September: Letting go (and not just of leaves)
TLHaiku
Oh, expectations
Both obvious and subtle
When we're attached: ow.
Letting go is hard: Walnut watching her foster sister, Maple, find her forever home!
Expectation are everywhere. Ads tell us how our bodies should look. Social media tells us how much more fun others are having or when we should have gotten married/had kids. How a coworker reacts to your idea. Everything related to sex. And they certainly creep into how many people come to your - OK, my - mindfulness classes. We readily form expectations, both conscious and unconscious and when we are attached to those expectations, when we need our body, or relationship status, or mindfulness ticket sales to be a certain way, we are fighting reality, and that causes suffering.
Exhibit A: my first class series, a mindfulness and dogs class that starts on Monday. When you create an Eventbrite, you have to tell it how many tickets to put on sale. It's a virtual class, so in theory it could be unlimited but you have to establish a cap, you have to create an expectation. I picked 20 - that seemed like what a successful class would be from the many I've attended. Full but not unwieldly.
As of today, I have four people signed up. Four. Compared to 20, an expectation which, you may recall, I created - that's paltry. And when I see that number I'm attached; I want it to be different. At least double digits, or ideally 15 or 16. Or maybe even hundreds beating at the door. But, when I think about coaxing friends to join or marketing it to up the numbers, it doesn't feel right. There's something inside of me that wants to let go, not argue with reality, and let whatever happens be beautiful.
Ouch
Here's how I'm trying. Here’s a three-step framework I’ve, inspired by Tara Brach's RAIN practice, that I’ve developed called R.I.P. I know, just in time for Halloween. Here's where I'm at.
(1) “R” - Recognize you have a preference. I want lot's of people to join the class. Hundred. Thousands. I want them to hear about my class and instantly sign up.
(2) “I” Investigate and bring mindfulness to that preference in your body and in your mind. When I see 4 out of 20 tickets sold, it feels tight, stiff, clenching. And where does that preference come from? Do I think participants will have a bad experience with a smaller group? Conceivably a small, intimate group could be better. Do I want to make more money from it? I mean, yes, but also, I'm not doing this for the money. And, do I have an egoic attachment. For sure: many people = I am worthy, I'm on the right track.
(3) “P” Perspective - what larger perspective is this expectation keeping you from? Gratitude for the four beautiful people were willing to take a chance on me (no refunds! :) JK!) And this is my first class series, a year from now, will I even remember how many people took it? And if the point is learning, isn't this, right here, a small intimate class, and writing a blog about the experience, kinda the point?
So that's my R.I.P. Is there something you have noticed an attachment to that some letting go might be useful. You may give this framework a try and see if it helps you find a little peace.
A common response to letting go is that expectations can be useful. Setting a time goal for a road race or hoping to get a new job can help motivate and guide. And I agree! But I've learned that I need to slow down and invite mindfulness in. Do I feel comfortable about where that goal or expectation comes from? Am I sure that is what I truly want? And, how heavily am I holding that expectation? If I don't meet that goal, does that affect my self worth?
A final thought: I've found myself drawn to people with the poise to not be ruffled by things being different than their expectations. A friend who doesn't bat an eye when her favorite restaurant is unexpectedly closed for repairs. A coworker who's open to a new idea. A mindfulness teacher who doesn't feel self conscious if I'm the only student who shows up. Being inspired by these people, recognizing my attachments, and aspiring to let go is part of my ongoing practice of mindfulness, and suspect it will always be a part of it.
Oh, and, enjoy those trees letting go of their leaves!
Be well!
Alex
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